Life is only a point of view

It's been five weeks of school and general collegian merriment. Roxy, Emily, and I are pretty much inseparable. we are pretty much always with each other. it's great fun. except when they try to get me to flirt with this guy i like.
classes are good. Children's lit I love (but i haven't gotten back my first essay yet) and Sixties lit too. international reltions is interesting...but i think the test this wednesday is gonna be a killer. comparative politics is the class i find a hassle. I think it's gonna be relatively easy now that we've had the first test though. Now I know what to read for.
I'm pretty much always reading. like, right now, i should be reading Norman Mailer's Armies of the Night. But it's so dense and dull...And Princess and the Goblin is so light and trivial...so i'm updating a journal i'm pretty sure only i read by now. but that's okay. it's better than typing maniac (which i'm addicted to now that i've reached my peak in word challenge) and way better than reading, lol
so things are good. relaxed.

"What do i do when my love is away (Does it worry you to be alone?) How do i feel by the end of the day (Are you sad because you're on your own?) No! I get by with a little help from my friends."--This is exactly how I feel right now. Pandora is wonderful.

~Amber

I'm back at UF. Sophomore. Living on the second floor with all the boys (24 guys, 8 girls) and loving being back. Even though Roxy keeps pushing back her moving day. got her wisdom teeth out. and Emily, my roommate doesn't come til Saturday. Still, it's fun. lots of card playing.
That's not the point of this entry though. that's just the setting. the point is, i was rifling through old emails (cleaning out my inbox) when i found all these ones that Adrian and I sent. i remember they were sappy, and they were, but there was sincerity there too. there was a lot of promise.
yeah, lots of things ended up bugging me about adrian, and it didn't end as well as one would hope, but we had our moments. I think the main problem we had was miscommunication. and him being completely oblivious to what i was thinking. which i suppose must fall under the headline of Miscommunication. it was my fault too, because i never spoke up when something would irk me, i never told him "hey, you just made an assumption that is absolutely false" (when speaking to adrian I always tended to pick up his habit of...over-talking if you know what I mean)
But it made me kinda nostalgic for high school life. kinda made me remember how happy i was writing to my boyfriend off in belize....and then he came back. lol, that was mean. The point was not to belittle, but to mark down, for future reference, that I have decided and am now of the opinion that i actually did like adrian for a while. that i don't really regret the time we had together.
Anyway, it's funny how things that are important fade from memory, and how sometimes events are reduced to generalities. the emails were a nice reminder of...infatuation. it was cool to look at the emails like a neutral third party, to think 'yeah, i prolly shouldn't have said that' or 'wow, i was corny wasn't i?' or 'why would he tell me that?!'
gotta go, cory's knocking to go to dinner. i'll try to update some time in the next...year (lol)

"A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin."--HL Menken

~Amber

i'm feeling really ick, and tired, and so then i thought of this lovely box that is so accepting of such feelings.
i want to drown in the rain. i want to evaporate into the sky. i want to disappear. just for a while. and exist without this skin and this pain. i am trapped within myself. i am tethered to this awful awful pain that is being a girl. how i wish i could wish it away.
i need silence. i need rest. i need peace.
peace, body, why do you attack me each month?
oh i feel awful.
the rain beckons outside my window, offering relief. "let me wash it all away" it rumbles. some other time, perhaps. self-pity seems to be doing me some good at least. takes my thoughts, ironically, off of the clenching wrenching tearing feeling
it's no wonder. words have long been my means of relief and escape. it's how i survive solitude.
confession: i desperately miss UF. i am so bored with summer i want to rip my hair out. my friends are all scattered about. roxy's in spain. cory's in gainesville. emily's in maine. i miss them. i miss the second floor boys. friendships here are so complicated and tinged with silence. "we are different now" the silence says. "we have nothing in common" it taunts. oh mason, jenna, benji, caitlin...how i wish it were not so. oh ren, how could our ties remain when i can't even keep up with mikal? they're all slowly slipping. i hate it, but i know i cannot stop it. that's life. people come, people go. i just wish it were easier.
well, that train of thought was depressing. how about a quick jaunt into the positive: i might be going to rome next summer with roxy. which means i had better start learning italian! grins. as some friendships are fading, others are just starting to bloom. you gotta appreciate that about life. how quickly it replaces that which is lost.
optimism is my knew thing. too often have i let gloom overpower me. it's time i smile in the face of it.
so summer is dull, but i'm trying to appreciate it while it's here. i leave in a week on a family cruise. that'll be fun at least. i'm sure you'll miss my regular posts :P

"The greatest mystery is not that we have been flung at random between the profusion of matter and of the stars, but that within this prison we can draw from ourselves images powerful enough to deny our nothingness."

~Amber

Six years is a long time. so much distance from that moment...those days. :smiles fondly:
i've had a lot of good in my life.

that's the end of the sentimental in this post.
Update: Summer has started. relay for life was fun. i'm used to being the alumni now. i cursed in front of robie xP oops. watched the sun take forever to come up. had a good time. came home and slept and lost the kentucky derby to a 50-1 fluke. Mine that Bird. dumb!
and since then i've been taking it easy. hopefully will see x-var soon. probably see brooke once her APs are done. mom's taking me to see the Star Trek prequel on Friday...
and i talk to roxy pretty much every night. cory not so often, but still a little. i miss them. every time i watch friends i think of them.
grades went fairly well. Stat was the only ick- C plus. I dont care; no more math! yay! then B plus in Astro, A in poli sci, A in blockbuster, and then we have Donne to Milton, my english class. i have no idea if i have an A or B plus. if i get an A it's cause he liked me enough to push me over the top. i'm so annoyed at him still over just giving me a + at the bottom of my paper. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN!?!? urg.
anyway...Underworld II is on. such a bad movie. i remember sneaking in with josh. we lived on the edge. lol.
mitch is a man-nurse now. just graduated. weird that we're all slowly growing up...
i'm sorry, i meant to not be sentimental, but it just keeps bubbling up. it's just so good to be home. i miss UF, and yet I'm happy here too. i have a good life, it turns out.
in other news, not only did John Edwards cheat on his dying of cancer wife, but he might have used campaign funds for hush money. greeeaat.

"Listening, not imitation, may be the sincerest form of flattery."

~Amber

Plus, it's been a while since I've updated you.
College is lovely. registration isn't. Being a freshman SUCKS. majorly. like, I can't wait til tomorrow. the classes are going to close out, i'm going to be stuck with the dregs. scrambling come add/drop week. begging to be let into classes. urg! The problem with being an English major is that you don't have a lot of options. And class sizes are so restrictive. i'm dying trying to work it out so my back-ups don't conflilct with the classes i want to weasel into (Jane Austen fuck yeah, and 1960s hell yeah, and Chaucer, it'd be nice) It's epically frustrating just sitting here, constantly checking only to find out a class i desperately need/want has closed out. now i have to find a replacement that doesn't work as well with my schedule. now i have to compromise. now i have to figure out whether i should just go for a minor for the hell of it and because i need at least two more filler classes. UGH.
And then they open another section of Chem1025. ARE YOU KIDDING?!!? After i spent an hour working out that i'd go for a summer, get a few extra hours, just to take that class that isis told me was long gone and now has 600 open seats?! WHAT?!? like, i nearly just broke down in tears. and the times? TBA. how frustrating is that? I NEED TO KNOW THE TIME ASSHOLES. I need to know if i have room for it, or if i need to work around it, or if i'm just all-around screwed. this is so awful. i wish i had gotten National Merit. my schedule would be so epic right now.
I hate that i'm so powerless right now. and i won't know my schedule FOR SURE until August. dies.
sorry about the excessive amounts of capitalization. i'm uber-stressed. i just want it to work out. but i think it's just going to be a mess. i'm gonna go obsess some more. later.

~Amber

hm...well there's been lots of card games. i've finally cemented a close group of friends up here, and i've kinda missed them over break. i mean, i love seeing mason, jenna, benji, brooke, ren, and all my other wshs friends but, the silences are getting longer, you know? the gap grows between us.
i don't want it to, but we're living different lives. it's natural, and no one's fault. roxy (prolly my best friend at this point) said she felt the same way with her old friends. sighs.
but i'm having a blast with college life. as my lack of posting might imply...
wow, there are even awkward silences in posting to livejournal. that's intense. it's a transitional thing. going from high school to college, from livejournal to facebook. shrugs. one must move on and grow up i suppose.
on a less depressing note, i'm reading the bell jar. oops, that's still a bit depressing isn't it? :P
well soon i'll be back Hume, planning a staycation, a sleepover, or some other way to avoid studying. see, i haven't changed too much ;)
in all things, i'm still me.

"Don't ever tell anybody anything. If you do, you start missing everybody."-JD Salinger

~Amber

Three weeks...hm, well, in that time i've pretty much been reading atlas shrugged and re-reviewing how i think of things.
i have learned why i never cared about whether or not I got all A's-- because i never held value to that A. I never saw it as a value, rather. I saw value in other things, and I worked to achieve the things i did value.
i learned that i don't really respect education as an institution. i prefer it as an experience. i have discovered a lot more about myself than i can probably impart to you. Let me say just this: Ayn Rand showed me, finally, a thought process that makes sense to me, she showed me a path, a philosophy I can admire.
i just don't know how to apply it in a world that does not hold her standards.

i've been thinking about it because of my recent exams and rather poor showing. i've been thinking about why i do not, did not, study. why i never put forth the effort required.
i held happiness of the moment above the possibility of academic achievement. i'm not saying this as a guilty admission. it's a fact. i want to be happy and content at any given moment. studying is not worth it to me.
this is kinda random of me. but i've been wandering about such thoughts for about two hours now. thinking about the kind of work required to excel by their standards and what my own standards would require of me. basically, i've been trying to determine whether or not i should try. whether my goals could be compatible with what they say my goals should be. whether their methods will take me to my objective. AND I've been trying to map out just what that objective is.
kind of weighty thoughts. i've decided to take saturday and work. really work for a change. i've decided that that will make me feel better.
but, really, if i end up with all Bs this semester, the world won't end, and it will be bought at the price of those glorious moments of contentment reading in the sun, playing cards til 2am, and in general being around intelligent people.
i've decided to take the consequences of contentment, though i'm not sure what payment i'll have to offer.
all in all, i don't think it will be disastrous.

Have i told you anything in this entry? I'm being vague, i'm sorry. my mind is going everywhere. i finished Atlas Shrugged on a day when so many inconsequences are blindsiding me. Astronomy Exam was the first. that was a kick in the face. now i know. but it was a hard lesson. i think, i hope, i can recover to a B plus. Stat just annoys me incessantly. i hate giving it credence. and Poli Sci...I thought i could do better than a B. I'm not sure why i fell short. ugh..
so these events separately and together have made me consider what is worth working for and what isn't.
I'm going to go write now, because i feel like i'm repeating myself, and this creative energy could be better served elsewhere.
On the bright side, I've writted 8,000 words in ten days. Not too shabby :D

"Every man will stand or fall, live or die by his rational judgment" -Ayn Rand <3

~Amber

laptop froze up on me. no internet suuucks. but i've been getting reading done. Atlas Shrugged is ammaaazing.
so i went home to get the problem worked out. no luck. circuit city is going out of business. way to go, bush. had to have one last jab, huh? wanted to screw me over for two weeks, eh? make life really difficult for me...great.
and, it turns out, i'm prolly gonna lose the files i had on there. you know, the ones i didn't think to back up just yet. five months of scribbles. gone. i'm so tired of computers swallowing my work. it's enough to make me want to handwrite everything. i mean...my GOTV essay, that was so beautiful. ten pages of epicness.

In an increasingly cynical and disinterested country, politics battle not just to gain support among voters, but to get those voters to actually show up come election day. Apathy becomes their primary opponent...

I don't remember what came after that. i led into Obama is Awesome and I Helped. Then outlined everything the campaign did. oh, it was great...sigh of longing
i think i'll miss it the most. which is really sad, but i didn't have time to write anything great.

A List of the Lost:
GOTV
Christmas Spirit
Class Politics
This is just for me
Don't Think
Solitary
Dragonslayer
Outcasts
homework

and a few little things that don't mean much. revisions. bits and pieces. it's just annoying..and sad. i guess i'll have to start over. rebuild. sigh, i can see the pages lost, almost hear the words written there. fragments. moments. scenes. gone. i don't have the energy, or the heart, to try and rewrite/replace them.
so i settled for honoring their names here
a kind of tribute to the stories that won't be written. perhaps for the best. i glance at the list and see only one that would have ever been finished. the others would be nibbled at, would be warmly read over, but had no potential as a legit plotline.
in short, i'll survive without them, but it's a shame they're gone.

"What worries you, masters you."-John Locke (my Gov class has reawakened my dormant love of John Locke. He is just brilliant. Tacit consent- woah)

~Amber

Dana Peterson is the best professor ever. i can't even describe accurately how hilarious this guy is.
to start off:
he walks in, gets to the podium, clears his throat, and announces, "this class no longer exists due to the fact that Dana Peterson died over winter break." silence. "good news though, we're turning this class into a calc 3 honors class, so, this is calc 3 honors now."
slow laughter. "this isn't funny, guys...a guy died...rather tragically." more laughter. "you might wanna look into finding a new course on isis because...dr. peterson died."
he kept that up for a good ten minutes before he finally snickered and said 'yeah i fucking wish'

so all we did today was take attendance and grow to understand why i had to wake up at 8:00 to register at lightning speed for this course.
would you like some dr. peterson quotes? of course you would.

in listing ridiculous things he hates:
"I hate Christians. are any of you all Christians?" kid raises his hand. "would you like to know why i hate you?" "yeah" "because you judged me. when i said i hate Christians you looked at me judgmentally, so i hate you. And you started it."
Later...to the Christian kid "I'm giving you a C, by the way. Pray to your savior to stop me"

"Wouldn't it be great if we made this class into like Survivor. And only one person would get an A, and we'd vote someone out of the class every week. We could have challenges, wouldn't that be great?" some kid:"would the challenges be cool or, like, papers?" "would I have to grade these papers?" "yeah" "like i have time for that bullshit. we'd have cool challenges."

"at course evaluations it always irritates me because i consistently am ranked lowest for 'shows respect and concern for students'" laughter "do you know why that is?" silence "it's because you shits think you're so goddamned special that i should be concerned about you."

"I want you to look around this room and soak in the diversity" (there was none) "isn't it great? Actually the reason we separate you into Hume and everything is so you'll date inside the honors college. we're creating a supergenius generation."

after a lengthy discussion about how these two girls in class who were 'joined at the hip' were lesbians. one was actually apparently a lesbian prostitute because she was 'getting paid' It was an involved conversation lemme tell you...
"no, really, i don't care what any of yall do, i'm a liberal. you can have buttsex all you want. you know i don't think i can have a successful class if i don't say buttsex at least once. that's how i rate how good the class went. buttsex."

"Did I offend any of you little fuckers?"

god he was a riot! like, i was trying to condense the humor and realized it was too rampant for me to convey. Orlando is the center of everything. The Villages is messed up. sixty year old prostitutes...yeah..."What kind of self respecting prostitute would work there?...i bet that's the first time in the history of the word that self-respecting has been attributed to it."
he liked my name too. because he would like interrogate people after he called their name, which is why attendance took nearly two hours. And mine was about how lovely my name is. xD he's an awesome guy. cannot wait for Thursday!

~Amber

Tradition is tradition, no matter how annoying my internet connection may be. It's taken me an hour to finally convince these blasted machines to let me on here, so let's not waste any more time. 2009 here we come, but first, a look backward:

2008 was epic, though it started off pretty blandly. January 3rd was exciting though- Iowa. Then New Hampshire three days later. A long primary battle for the democrats certainly gave me lots to talk about in my Gov class and during lunch. Super Duper Tuesday...good times. chuckles. superdelegates indeed. outside of politics, senior year went pretty smoothly. had to make a choice about colleges. had to accept that brooke was going to beat me at states. lol. double seconds is respectable. it was still a good time, got to be friends with Mikal. took amazingly hilarious pictures and made a video that made robie cry. :) saying goodbye to him was hard. i cried on the last day of school. leaving 6-203 was so sad. graduation came and was so less epic than i thought. poor benji. he didn't miss too much though. my hat fell off while singing the alma mater, and that was about it. summer came and brought Europe and California. I saw sooo much stuff. the first trip was rushed, the second was chill. but the first had Rome and Victor so it pwns San Fransisco and trees. SAT classes also went on during the summer. that was good times. girls flirting with beasley xD and of course i saw friends as often as i could, blowing money on movies in anticipation of not seeing them for months. so i saw Wall-E twice, Batman I think five or six times altogether, Ironman four times, Get Smart twice, and Hulk just the once. Edward Norton is great, but i'm still poor. so summer started winding down and the Blue Springs trips happened. brooke, josh, jona, mikal, ren and i all stuffed in a van. great fun! classic days of freezing water and hot sun. and poisonous caterpillars. Sonic afterwards where we discussed life and the ways of nerdiness. those were two good trips. we should make a habit of that. then i had to leave and life shifted dramatically. Hume. It's a good place altogether. At first it was fun because everyone was trying to make friends with everyone. not to mention Mocktails, Waterpalooza, and other shameless ways to get us nerds to socialize. then classes started and i got a better feel for who was gonna stick and not. CRW was the best (despite insanity). Emily, Roxy, and I hit it off pretty much immediately. It wasn't until Sept though that the sleepovers began. oh the adventures of Odi lol. a great night. i adjusted to college life very fast. saw my parents every football game. and had quite a few random adventures. meanwhile i was also getting heavily involved with the campaign, registering about fifty people a week for a total of over a hundred before it was said and done. then October brought early voting. what a haze of standing in the cold and forcing people into vans/cars. and getting yelled at, lots of that...but i survived. through some miracle i survived sleeping against a vending machine, standing for hours on end, being abused by pedestrians, walking who knows how many miles canvassing, holding a sign for over an hour in front of nutcases who wouldn't let me hear Biden's speech...shakes head. it's such a blur of exhaustion. and good things too, like chanting Fired up with John, seeing Eric introduce Michelle Obama, shaking Kal Penn's hand...laughin with Mitch. And, of course, E-day--or rather, E-night. November fourth. so. much. screaming. hugging, high fives, grins, tears, laughter, leaping. we went crazy. Historic. and then campaign withdrawal set in. we actually met up to hear his press conference. pathetic. thank democracy for Students for Change. Garrett is a genius for cooking that up. I mean, college dems is fine, but...not nearly as exciting. oh yeah, grades, i should try to work on those things...Bio slips, but i hold ground on everything else. sunscreen project, oh i could strangle someone...well, at least i'm done with lab reports. so i got to go home pretty early thanks to my 95 in Math. woo, boredom...and not fittin in at the high school. but reunions are really fu actually. movie night, faculty holiday show, brain bowl practice, panera, candlelight, gs dinner, and x-var! can't beat it. i saw all my friends at least once. i feel adequately caught up on things (whoamg jenji got engaged!). went to disney, saw a few movies, and had a holly jolly christmas..sorry i'm a bit loopy. so i guess that about wraps it up. 2008--what a year.

We had an Election, Olympics...Obama won, Phelps pwnd, and the Chinese gymnists were never exposed. I had grauduation, Europe, college, and a campaign internship that was such a great experience. Yes. We. Can. such a triumph..
Had adventures involving walks to Steak'n'Shake at 4am, walks to BJs in PJs, and then there were the times Mikal and I got together...and the sleepovers, Hamlet...and the cards games...and Heroes marathons...i feel like i'm forgetting things, probably something campaign related :P
I got a facebook this year, and slacked on my lj. got a laptop, and stopped reading books. Overall, I regret nothing. only skipped four classes, one for Michelle, two for E-Day, and one for candlelight. I think i was fairly responsible on my own.
This year we lost my mom's cousin Gary, Heath Ledger, Tim Russert, and others that i can't think of because i'm getting tired. so I should wrap up that this was definitely a year of growth for me. and a year of victory. of great joys and great journeys. i would not trade the experiences and friends of these past few months for anything. so i say with sincerity: I will miss you 2008, you brought me success, not in the sense of GPA, but a more profound, more meaningful success. I was, am, and think I will be happy at Hume. Happy that I saw Big Ben, the Colloseum, Versailles, and so much more. Happy that I was the change I sought. Happy that I have found a place that fulfills me, and people who i enjoy spending time with. Felix in vita sum.

"Why so serious?"

~Amber

Mom Nyquiled me. it kinda sucks cuz i wanted to read Brisingr, but it'll hurt my eyes. even this is a strain. sigh.
no movie today. we spurn tradition. tomorrow we're seeing Valkyrie at 11. don't expect to like it, but want to get out of the house and be with family. this accomplishes both. (bolth)
plus we're getting pizza.
should be good. but then mason wants to go to trick's tomorrow. i don't really want to. that was never my place. i never felt comfortable there. so i think i'm gonna play the sick card, but i hate to do that to mason. and caitlin will be there...ugh.
i'll see them new years...i hope
Inside Man is on. goood movie.
so christmas was good. Got Fountainhead, Dreams from my Father, an Election 08 t-shirt, a plain shirt, a pink wolf shirt from Yellowstone, a framed painting thing of obama, Ironman....Heroes season two! muahahaha...um...Milo and Otis on DVD...money from grandparents, candy from a clumsy santa....that's about it.
got an obama calendar today. 50% off...saw Brooke and mikal at Panera...watched House for about four hours...drove travis' car ;P
the ice cream truck came. the guy remembered me. awkward, but i got my screwball...
i'm getting fuzzy and my eyes hurt. i should not be blathering on a livejournal right now. not smart..ugh, now i'm bleeding

"this time send sandwiches"

~Amber

Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb
ugh. it's the same story.
i didn't want to try. i didn't want to do the work. i didn't want to do it and not get the A. i didn't want it to prove how fail i am at biology.
i just wanted to let it lie. get a B, and be happy with it.
to try and to fail is the worst.
i hate my mom for making me do that and feel like crap after really trying. it's not my fault that his stupid questions weren't even on wikipedia.
ugh. apparently i missed something about enzymes...w/e...
i'm trying not to let it get to me. but i keep flashing back. why can't i get this?
aarglleeesss for dumb Dr Hahn ruining my night before my day of awesomeness!
tomorrow i'm going to aunt cici and uncle paul's to decorate cookies and bond. then panera with latin ppl who rock sox. plus robie. then a movie with x-var. like, hardcore, X-Var. no intruders. no missing people. us. reunited.
i really have missed that.
sure, i have new friends. but how do you beat those days of lying out on the trampoline and really getting to know someone? sigh. it'd just be nice to hear what everyone's doing. how they are. i mean, eventually we'll grow too apart to do things like this. i should enjoy it.
but i can't because i'm annoyed at biology as a whole.
bangs head. this sucks.
it's a 3.81. i was content with that before my mother talked to me.

"I don't dwell in the past; I don't wallow in old events and emotions. I don't waste time on regret. No use going over and over the details of what already happened." Yanni

"Never regret. If it's good, it's wonderful. If it's bad, it's experience." Victoria Holt



~Amber

It's been a while since i've written things for fun. so i'm gonna try this. don't judge it too harshly, k?


Petty words what do you mean?
Empty thoughts collapse my being.
I have no air
I have no voice
This isn't fair
I lost my choice
To live how I decide
To make my own way
Oh, pity, why can't I
escape...
and rise above the fray?

agh. well, there it is. kinda sloppy. lemme try again. brace yourselves...

Temptations pull and distractions lead away
So dreams fall aside in the light of day
But here, by myself, I can at last be true
I can admit my discontent with them, with you.
Release me, my thoughts inevitably repeat
Let go, let go, I do entreat
I am trapped, imprisoned, ensnared, caught
Beaten, defeated, to my knees brought.
Oh pity, do not ask who my oppressers are
I do not know

okay i'm cutting this poem off.

~Amber

woo...
Beedle Bard is pretty entertaining so far. it's nice to dive back into that world. wizards and magic and nicholas flamel...sighs
it's better than football at least. my family is going crazy in the other room. good times to come home, right?
well, candlelight was good. kinda lonely seeing as everyone's off at college. i didn't know any of the younger kids. made me feel really old. but i got tickets and it went smoothly. no dr. sinclair though :( that really stunk.
saw twilight with brooke yesterday. it was so ridiculous. i made fun of edward the entire time. xP
Harry potter six preview looked REALLY good though. hopefully they did a good job with it. July...sigh.
poor malfoy. i really feel sorry for him. i mean, i hate his guts too, of course. but he's so piticul sometimes.
anyway, i should probably get to work on the stupid assignment for biology. oral quiz on monday. sucks. i am going to be so glad when this class is over and done with. hopefully i'll make it out with a B. the presentation went fairly well, i think...
well, off to 'work'

"As long as Dumbledore's around, Harry, you're safe."-Hermione was such a know-it-all

~Amber

It is a battle between what I want to do, and what I probably should do. Guess which one wins?
yeah, i'm bad. my grades will reflect my selfishness...that is not the right word. because if i did my homework like a good girl, that too would be selfish..because both choices are in my self-interest...
oo..semantics. =D
i shouldn't procrastinate. this is bad. I should...prepare for my presentation tomorrow. on sunscreen. it is a topic about which i am passionate. >.< so not.
I find it tedious and dumb. i wish my grade did not depend upon it.
I want to make phone calls for jim martin in my free time, BUT i probably should spend that time working on...dare i say it...schoolwork. yuck, i know. plus i need to get in as many meals as i can since the whole thanksgiving thing threw me off, as will winter break and the fact that i'm skipping classes on thursday and friday for candlelight. don't i have great priorities? sarcasm.
can't wait to be home. haven't been since...before the election, i think. i planned to go, then brooke said she was coming up so i stayed, then there were games every week so...i just have been here. that's weird to think about. i haven't been home in a month.
gotta go, aragorn is about to get thrown off a cliff. yay for LOTR marathons!

"He took a little tumble off the cliff."

~Amber

seriously? really? you didn't know that the super important decides our grade project is fucking due today at 5:00?! this is new information to you? 'thanks for the reminder'?
fucking slacker. i could strangle you. you are holding my grade hostage and i do not appreciate it. you'll be lucky if i don't strangle you the next time we meet you lazy sit in the back of the class and then try to run the group asshole.
'i'll be in charge of editing and putting it all together' you said. we let you. you said you could handle it. fine. goddamn you.
do you not listen at all, ever?!
i need to get an A on this project so i can end up with a B in the class. you are killing my GPA you unreliable screw up!
you said 'let's try to get it done Wed' and now it's friday and YOU'RE NOT DONE!?!?
We did our part of the bargain. we handled our shit. where the hell have you been?! "i'll work faster now" WHAT THE CRAP!?!
you have a little more than 3hrs before i am at your door kicking the hell out of you because i am so frustrated with checking and rechecking my email to see if you sent me the 'finished' essay which apparently isn't fucking finished.
AAAAHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!
how the hell are you in honors? how the hell did you skate by you retard! how could you not know that the essay is due at 5:00 today. i cannot fucking believe how incompetant you are!!
like i seriously would like nothing better at this moment than to punch your face in. like what the hell is the matter with you!?!?!!
agh
i need to kick something now. thanks for the vent, livejournal

~Amber

oh the beatles. never get old.
so yesterday was fun, besides the sad remeniscing part. but the part where mikal wanted to meet up and so we went to ben and jerry's and got hot floats which were EPIC. ice cream AND hot chocolate. i cannot begin to describe my love for that drink...
so we started walking downtown and then i'm like 'hey leonardo's' and she's never been there, which is a crime in gainesville (punishable by social death) so we go in, and apparently there are TWO leonardos. one is the cool, cheap, awesome famous one that i've been to, and the other is its fancy cousin. they don't sell pizza by the slice, and they also have other things beside pizza...like fancy italian things...so weird. but then they seated us so we couldn't leave...oh it was bad. but the food was good, and we had a nice conversation. catching up, and all.
then went over for the college dems meeting. jona met up with us. good times. the meeting was basically a bunch of politics nerds discussing cabinet positions. oh and 'stupid things people do on the ballot' LOL. it was so much fun just to listen to them all.
then we go back to hume and chill for a while. and start to plan an epic road trip to Chicago. spring break. oh it shall be quite awesome. if it works out. idk, parents seem to ruin everything. like, i excited tell my mom and she wet blanket responds 'chicago? what's in chicago?' and that kinda stumps me. so i'm like...uh...jazz...buildings...places barack obama used to go to but now he doesn't cuz he's president elect...
like, it's not about the place, it's about the journey. she was...less than enthused. 'is that safe?' and then she's gonna make us use our own money for it. $200...ugh. guess i won't be going home as often as i thought next semester.
sigh
anyway, today is good. cold. but really quiet and pretty. it's so pleasant and slow here now that the campaign is over. like, if i didn't have this sunscreen thing due today at 5 and a group partner guy who is a serious slacker, i'd be outside reading. but unfortunately i'm chained here, waiting for this guy to email me the final paper so i can fix it. bleh.
at least pandora is here to keep me company.

"Ideas are great arrows, but there has to be a bow. And politics is the bow of idealism."

~Amber

nothing ever really changes. that's the point of what would be my rant. but i decided as i typed in the title, that it would be so redundant to voice a feeling that is so familiar to this journal. just rewind two years-ish, maybe a little more, and i'm sure you could dig up an entry in which i express this feeling of loss, futility, and confusion.
doubt is actually probably the best word.
god, even pandora is jumping on the bandwagon.

"The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind." is the advice currently being hurled at my eardrums. before that it was beatles 'all my loving'
oh a hundred sighs.
i am content in almost all ways. even though i miss all my old friends more and more. yesterday i swear for a moment i thought i was looking at josh. it was the same grey shirt, khaki-ish pants...and then i looked at my calendar and it said 'benji's birthday' and i really wanted to call or something...but that's awkward, right?

none of these things are the point of my entry, they are side notes that i am trying to distract myself with. the point is that i'm back where i used to be, and i don't really like it.
i hope that was vague enough to not be understood.
i don't really know why i feel like crying. probably because i'm very tired. and nostalgic/sentimental. and since the campaign ended, i have a lot of time to just wander and sit and think. and read. of course.

such sad dwellings on such a gloriously clear day. i should be quite happy- school is almost out, i have very little work left to do, and...
hopefully i'll be able to see everyone i'm making plans to see when i finally get to go home for christmas. but, you know, it'll never be the same...

"Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art.... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival." ~C.S. Lewis

~Amber

I need to start working on my intern essay. but i'm finding it hard to know where to start. i've never written such an extensive paper.. i'll admit it's intimidating. i understand the book. and i think i can sound competant in talking about it- this is one essay i thankfully don't have to bs, but i'm afraid it's going to sound...freshman-ish. =/
sigh. i mean, i don't think it'll be that big a deal. i think i'm gonna pass...but i really want to make a good impression, you know? and my essay will be sitting next to Garrett's and Mitchell's...and i want to stack up.
it's gonna be all right.
all these things will fade away in time. these essays that stress me out now will be forgotten. life will go on, despite success, despite failure, time never stands still.
i'm too thoughtful for my own good.

"It is impossible to enjoy idling thoroughly unless one has plenty of work to do." ~Jerome K. Jerome, The Idle Thoughts of an Idle Fellow

~Amber

Jaclyn was up til 3am. i was half-asleep-ish until then. then i woke up at 7, cause idk i was paranoid about sleeping through my alarm. went back to sleep. woke up again- 8:28
shit. class starts at 8:30. i was only five minutes late. but still.
i had to haul ass too...eck
i hate second period classes. and i have three more next semester -_-
then i went to eat at 1, class is at 2, and then remembered that i had to turn in a paper before class started. woops. so that sucked. again, more hauling ass.
math wasn't too bad though, graphing straight lines i can definitely handle. hopefully i'll end up with an A in there. i think i'll slit my wrists if i don't...
college dem meeting tonight. i'm kinda excited for it.
i hope time pawlenty is the republican party's future. i'd vote for that ;)
no, he seems like a decent guy. moderate. kinda josh simmons like
none of you know who josh simmons is, but for the record: he's awesome. gators for mccain chair who resigned the day before election and voted for obama. yeah, we love him. he phonebanked with us on election night and everything. that boy is so decent.
i could rant more about my undying love for joshy but i won't because that would excessive.
in any case, i'm really looking forward to class letting out. all these papers are really weighing on me (especially since i have yet to start on them)

"We may lose or we may win, but we will never be here again. so take it easy..."

~Amber